„ I ... have my life fully under control! “
„ Do you really believe …? “
I have hesitated for a few years to reveal my way publicly. I can confirm that it is unwise to talk too early about spiritual experiences. At the beginning of this physical process of transformation you are easily thrown out of the way because of the increasing permeability and temporary instability of the "old" system. In addition to that you become subject to unnecessary attacks of the lower nature you are not yet able to cope with. Meanwhile stability has grown and I wanted to leave a few useful "footprints".
The transitional period can be an immense challenge because there is no human person to help you. These processes are not visible to anyone for they run under the surface. People who surround you will only recognize your strange behaviour what by the way is typical for real spiritual seekers. Since this path is still very rare you cannot expect any understanding at all and you have to deal with resistance and isolation. Even if the number of those who are preceding is continually increasing Mother spoke at her time of one among fifty million.
Be conscious of the fact that this way contains risks.
"If you want to hear God laugh, make a plan ..."
My personal life planning was not special, compared to other people: A loving husband, healthy children and a job that fills me.
I had all that for a while, more or less. And before as a perfect workout and final karmic compensation a less great childhood. And because things did not go my way – I admit, a slight understatement – more and more urgent questions arose. I started quarreling with the divine guidance. Since I had been taught at school, God would love us, only wants the best for us and we could turn to Him for help. But at the point "the best" HIS and my views gaped a lot.
He is indeed a very clever rascal who long since had kept a watchful eye on me, though I was pushing him away. In a refined way he tied me closer and closer and pulled me unremarkable in His direction, away from the outer world.
It began when my marriage broke up and I suddenly was a single mother of two sons. I did not know the reason behind all that and I suffered a lot.
A little later I was given a book. It was a present from a nice young lady, who entered my life only for a short time and disappeared just as suddenly. As if it had been her only task.
The title of the book was "The Road Less Traveled, A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth“ by Scott Peck. It answered some of my most painful questions.
The interest was awakened and the seeds were sowed for my spiritual search. Further books and spiritual seminars followed, all of which served the purpose of opening the heart and strengthening the soul. I began to meditate and was given first summit experiences. But I was not aware of the fact that they all contained a physical component.
It was already in the second elementary school class that I had decided to become a teacher. For many years I loved working with the children. But the "cerebral" of this profession and narrow-minded rules burdened me increasingly. That is why I planned to switch to a healing profession. I followed an extra-occupational training on weekends until I had the necessary qualifications.
During this time I met Werner J. Meinhold, the author of "Der Wiederverkörperungsweg eines Menschen durch die Jahrhtausende" (The Reincarnation of a Man through the Millennium). He is one of the most important hypnosis therapists in the German-speaking world. During my training at the GTH (German Society for Therapeutic Hypnosis and Hypnosis Research) I visited a weekend workshop with him. This time has enriched my way through valuable impetus and advanced my inner visions.
In Part I I quote from this work to make our inner stages of development alive. During three years Dr. Peter Reiter was put in hypnosis in sessions of up to several hours in order to go back to the beginnings of his remembered being. In his book Mr. Meinhold compiled written records of these sessions with additional reflections about our spiritual being. The accordance of his insights and those of Sri Aurobindo and Mother is astonishing which supports the truthfulness of this going-back in past lives under hypnosis.
But nothing came of my planning for the future since HE once again followed His own agenda about which He kept me in the dark.
From week to week and more and more I became extremely thin-skinned for no apparent reason. Until one of my worst nightmares became a reality: My child was diagnosed with ‚bone cancer'. At the children's cancer ward several mothers told me that they had suffered this phenomenon themselves.
Two years later my son passed away.
During this time, which I consider to be one of the most wonderful heart experiences of my life, I experienced how deeply I had already penetrated into the mystery of my inner consciousness. God is neither nothing or emptiness nor an impersonal consciousness.
Synchronicities accumulated and for a long time I had the inner vision of being accompanied by light beings. I felt their loving support reducing the fear and suffering I had to go through every day. I shared this energy and strength with my son and he felt it.
There was no anger against the Lord when he „took“ my child, even if the pain over his loss was unbearable.
Apart from the fact that the meaning was revealed to me in the meantime my son had lived his life so restlessly in his only 16 years as if he did not have much time on earth. A vision shortly after the diagnosis had shown me that he would not defeat the disease. Still, like every mother, I fought to the end.
After he had left his body I was rewarded with incredibly uplifting after-death-experiences. At the funeral I therefore was confronted with the lack of understanding of my environment: I felt the presence of my son surrounding me with peace, light and love. Filled with eternal bliss I had a strong need to comfort the mourners.
My elder son had the right to be concerned about my behavior: „Mom, you are so cheerful, people do not understand that.“ I was absolutely not aware at the moment, I could not help.
A former girlfriend was shaking her head slowly while she was reproachfully staring at me. For a moment I felt guilty without knowing why.
Ten days later my son came to me again to say goodbye. I felt his (!) embrace as I had felt it hundreds of times before. No doubt it was his unique presence. When it got stronger a spontaneous question arose: „Tim, is it you…?“ I looked up instinctively and listened. The word farewell was silently formed in my mind. He had decided to go on.
Later I read in one of my books about near-death-experiences that many of the deceased would remain in the earthly atmosphere for about ten days before they went on. Further details which I had experienced in the context were also described there.
Of course after his departure I missed him indefinitely painful. Still, I could let him go in love because he had shown me how happy he was.
The next time I took care of my elder son, as much as I could. During the last two years he had always had to go back and he still managed his life in a way that was sapping my energy.
Meanwhile he is going his way without me.
This was probably the right time for the Divine Consciousness to speed things up. In the next few years I lost my complete external existence and all the friends who had not already said goodbye to cancer and death.
An increasing number of absences due to „illness“ followed, each time without medical findings. Very soon the people around me put the label burnt-out on me: A single mother who had not been able to cope with the death of the son and was sinking into depression. It felt torn inside because part of me absolutely knew that this was not the reason. But this part was not yet strong enough to convince my outward personality to let the fear go.
One morning I sat on the bed crying. For the first time I did not want to go back to school. I asked for admission to a psychosomatic clinic. Now I wanted to know once and for all what was going on. I could never have imagined that my childhood testimony was subject of the transformation and I already was deeply involved in the process.
The first days in the clinic were an ordeal. I was desperately trying to find something unprocessed from my childhood which could explain the physical collapse. In addition to that I was surrounded by lots of stressful and negative energy fields. My sensitive consciousness of the body reacted with poisoning symptoms and a total cleansing: I got an „stomach flu“.
The intense circles in which the patients regularly collapsed crying were exhausting. Crying was obviously seen as a therapeutic success. I sometimes could not bear the pressure on my fellow patients to bring them to this point. While we were invited to verbalize our appreciation of it. Tears may be relieving when they come from themselves. I had extensive experience in it. If one begins seriously to follow a spiritual path everything is coming up what should be released. To put pressure on someone for this purpose is questionable.
Most of the time I felt like an observer and a little out of place.
I was fond of the short rounds of trance at the beginning of the courses. A lot of inner pictures came up. Whereas problems? None. From then on the group therapists were grilling and provocation me.
During a guided meditation I had an crucial spiritual experience: I, or something of myself, was lifted up about five meters below the ceiling. Since I am very curious the feeling of hovering made me open my eyes briefly. To my astonishment I was still sitting on the chair. I checked this unobtrusively several times.
In the further course of the meditation my "inner heart" swelled up bigger and bigger. It was not only a blessing but a very physical sensation.
Afterwards I felt an inner glow. When I closed my eyes I could see it. I floated on cloud nine and attracted other patients. Especially those who had lost a beloved person and did not get over it. When I told them about my experiences they smiled and were grateful. After a while I felt uncomfortable because I got suspicious looks.
After about two weeks my happiness slowly faded.
In the offered courses we regularly had to paint our inner worlds on big sheets of paper. The results were presented to the other patients. Afterwards the posters were visible for all hung up on the walls.
From then on my spiritual direction could not be concealed anymore. In my daily hour of single therapy one of the group therapist looked at me sincerely: „That’s no illness what you are suffering from. You are experiencing a spiritual crisis." He told me not to fight against it any longer. A part of me knew it already.
Thanks to the support of a competent psychiatrist in addition to the obvious experiences in the clinic I found the courage to let go my old life and devote myself to the divine guidance. Within a few months I lost my house, my profession and all external collateral. Because of my absences due to „illness“ and the final clinical report I was early retired. That’s why I was forced to register for insolvency.
I knew these spiritual examinations and I was still afraid of it. But the fear no longer ruled my life.
It is often the case that, as soon as they turn to the divine, they are deprived of all material support and all that they love. If they take an affection for someone, they also lose him. This is not done to everyone, but to those who are called.
What has a spiritual path to do with the body?
I was no longer left in the dark about that question. In my familiar environment at home the strange experience from the clinic happened again. During meditation I began to hover. When I blinked curiously I saw myself sitting on the sofa. The game went on and on for a while and I was seriously worried about the ceiling, because, as far as I could see, I was already hovering over it.
Suddenly my body was filled with fierce inner light explosions that shot up above the crown chakra. At that moment I thought, 'Now you are dying!'
As I read later it was the moment when the psychic being was connected with the Supramental Light from above. After that the body consciousness descended again, back in the body where it should be, in my opinion.
The whole thing was a physically experienceable and truly "explosive" act which made me thoroughly frightened. Or, more precisely, a part of me. Thoughts were stopped completely, the mind was overstrained. But other part of me knew.
The Supramental Light took up his work down the crown chakra through the body. It followed an exhausting time of adaptation which I don't want to describe here in detail. Little by little I was led to the right books and texts that told me what was happening. Experience after experience and explanation after explanation followed. Until the body itself learned, that is, the consciousness already contained in its cells, and the intellect gave up its control. I just needed to read elsewhere in a text, mainly in Mother's Agenda, and after a few lines I found exactly what I wanted to know. Concerning the practical sides of the transformation Mother’s Agenda proofs to be a genuine goldmine. There is not one single experience or pain she hasn’t suffered from and given exact explanations about.
I had worked through most of the works of Sri Aurobindo and admired the depth of his analytical inner visions. But at that time my mind needed practical guidance. I was already too deeply involved in the process.
Today I am sure that the informations concerning this path were deliberately revealed so late. This kind of spiritual crisis would probably not have been accepted in the clinic.
Up to that time I had worked extensively with other spiritual teachers and had learned a lot about devotion and the human ego. Above all the spiritual ego which is particularly stubborn to overcome. But then I reached a limit as every further book was mostly repeated in content. What I had read focused without exception on the traditional path of enlightenment which did not seem to be very attractive: Before entering this life I am spirit. After leaving this life I am spirit again. After enlightenment I will pass away and become a spirit? Why then this earthly and often painful incarnation? Why this wonderful and beautiful world? What about all the experiences in this world? The lengthly development from the unicellular organism to the human being? To disappear where we began and that’s it?!
I am a manual person and very much attached to the terrestrial identity. In addition from the beginning all my spiritual experiences had a physical component . I remember extrasensory phenomena in my childhood. At that time I had no one to whom I could have talked about. And after puberty they fell into oblivion.
Immediately after my compulsory retirement and before the key experience mentioned above, I stood on the balcony one morning and complained loudly: "If this does not happen here on this planet and in this world, I don’t want it, f....... it!“ Sorry about the choice of words, but in this yoga you don’t become „more sacred" but more authentic. I cannot remember what had stirred me up at this moment.
Later, reading the book "The Mind of the Cells", my body completely went crazy. The entire consciousness of the body expressed itself in countless "mini-explosions" like in joyful excitement. From that moment I had no doubt on which spiritual path I had been called.
Although Sri Aurobindo and Mother were foreign to me I became familiar with them and their different essence of consciousness. In one of my later researches they were described in exactly the same way I had felt it.
No more questions are left. I finally have arrived. Nevertheless I have to say honestly that this path isn’t easy at all. Very soon you are confronted with the contrast to the traditional path of enlightenment which is only an escape from the unpleasant depths of matter. When the whole accumulated rubbish comes out of the global subconscious, spreads in your body and completely corrupts your psyche for a while you realize that this is something completely different.
I wished there were another way, the Divine consciousness would be able to do it easier for us or it could be shouldered equally by everyone on this planet. Perhaps it would take the pressure of a little bit.
Mother said, Yoga was not for weaklings and not one of fifty million would have the courage to do it. This was an unmistakable statement. Whatever I will think about it: There is no way back and I have to go through to the end. That is the decision of my soul. Any resistance against the Divine causes pain.
Few weeks ago I was told to leave the sect and undergo therapy. I had to laugh spontaneously, but immediately afterwards I recognized the persisting denial of the truth and the fear behind it if they put Sri Aurobindo in the corner of a sect.
I can see the lies strike out wildly all over the world and sometimes the body gets his share. We are in the dark before dawn. Some of us will be the first to experience sunrise at the other side. Those who wake up and enter the spiritual path of transformation. "The Lord is not in a hurry" as Mother said. He will reach his goal and go further on. Let's follow Him not to be left behind.
Sharing all this with you seems to be part of my life task. Maybe it is because of this I had the function of a teacher for over twenty years? If it was up to me I probably would not have found the courage, according to my biography and all the sobering feedback from my environment. Meanwhile I do not mind. For whom these pages are to be a help will find them.
Others boast of their love of God. My fame is that I did not love God - He loved me and sought me home and forced me to belong to Him.
The spiritual calling was a tremendous wake-up for me. Until then I was understandably busy in keeping the few balls of my life in the air which seemingly had remained. After having let go everything and the first adjustment phase of the supramental "light showers" was over my whole being had been so thoroughly "plowed" and broken that it was ready for the larger truth. That is due to the fact that our body consciousness, and not just that, is interconnected with the whole planet. How many karmic entanglements have arisen through the great number of our incarnations? In addition the genetic anchors in the ever-changing ancestor series into which we were born?
A few years ago I had a deeply impressive experience on the soul level with one of the most far-sighted leaders in the world. It correlated to the message Sri Aurobindo telepatically transmitted to Mother after he had gone:
"All countries live in falsehood. If only one country courageously would stand to the truth the world could be saved.“ (Sri Aurobindo, India's Rebirth and the Renaissance of the Earth, p. 354)
From then on my focus spread over the whole world. This has not changed since then. But when they let me experience the whole extent of human suffering I broke over with pain, I was overwhelmed. Today I know why all this was revealed to me at this time. As Sri Aurobindo once pointed out one can only work on those issues which one carries within. Because of my biography one of them was powerlessness. But it is also true that our soul carries within herself the according power and strength to overcome that. This is exactly how this yoga works.
I can say that Sri Aurobindo had a very true and detailed view of the future. The mentioned ebook is worth to be read in this context. Here an extract from 9 April 1947:
"The difficulties [you feel] are general in the Ashram as well as in the outside world. Doubt, discouragement, diminution or loss of faith, waning of the vital enthusiasm for the ideal, perplexity and a baffling of the hope for the future are the common features of the difficulty. In the world outside there are much worse symptoms such as the general increase of cynicism, a refusal to believe in anything at all, a decrease of honesty, an immense corruption, a preoccupation with food, money, comfort, pleasure to the exclusion of higher things and a general expectation of worse and worse things awaiting the world. All that, however acute, is a temporary phenomenon for which those who know anything about the workings of the world-energy and the workings of the Spirit were prepared. I myself foresaw that this worst would come, the darkness of night before dawn; therefore I am not discouraged. I know what is preparing behind the darkness and can see and feel the first signs of its coming. Those who seek for the Divine have to stand firm and persist in their seeking; after a time, the darkness will fade and begin to disappear and the Light will come."
When I came across this statement I was disappointed. Disappointed about how right he was. It hold a mirror up to my embarrassed ego and I began to realize what applies to every single person on the planet: We must beware of being lost in our own self-righteousness. How much of our own share have we repressed or „exported“, not only in this incarnation, so that it might blow up in our faces in the outside now? It is a matter of consciousness of all of us, we all draw from the global subconsciousness. Let us go into self-observation and self-perception: Isn’t it true that all desires, vital impulses and longings lie within ourselves?
If I have learned anything through my years, it is this: All of us are capable of absolutely anything. It is slumbering inside of us as long as we are not transformed.
I was given another wake-up call by an aphorism of Sri Aurobindo. He transmitted it telepathically to Mother after he had gone: "Europe prides herself on her practical and scientific organisation and efficiency. I am waiting till her organisation is perfect; then a child shall destroy her.“
Mother referred to this aphorism three times in her agenda (read here and here and here). When I used it as header of my last website I had the illusion perhaps being able to awaken somebody with it. Meanwhile I am amused by my naivete even though it was full of good will. In my environment it is already difficult to talk about topics beyond the mainstream, let alone about the Supramental Transformation. "It is unacceptable which cannot be" – according to the all-dominant intellect. Sri Aurobindo has also foreseen that.
It looks different when the price is right. Money rules the outer world. And by this I mean all "institutions": whether they are scientific, political, social or religious. But that will not last.
It is true that the situation is one of deadlock. As an individual you seem to have lost power to change anything. But one must not underestimate the effect of an invisible "grass root revolution". The comparison with chess is also fitting: the Lord puts his figures strategically in position. Even those who appear to us as "bad guys" and which seem to be unaware of being moved over the chessboard by Him.
While the supramental consciousness is working unvisibly on the matter .
The outward appearance of this world makes it difficult to believe that salvation of the earth is a settled matter. Whether it costs human lifes or not is not essential to the Divine Consciousness as we always come back. Many souls voluntarily give their earthly life.
But it is in our hands how long these catastrophes may continue. This in turn depends on how long we want to keep on suffering. Sometimes I cannot help but see a symbol of our sleepwalker consciousness in this obsession.
If one wants to serve the truth, one must reckon with a headwind. There are, indeed, the opposing forces who do not want to give up their rule. As well as the low nature in every human being, even into our body-cells, which vehemently opposes and clings to the usual laws. Not out of wickedness but out of habit, because she does not yet know it better.
If you look into the sky these days you might think it is also visible for the physical eyes what we as mankind are doing to ourselves. Not only towards ourselves but to the whole earthly nature.
Up to now to enter Nirvana was meant to be the highest spiritual realization. Sri Aurobindo called it a „narcosis“ in white peace. It is no progress but a return. It does not change the terrestrial conditions and deprives ourselves of our spiritual individuality which we have gained in thousands of years. Returning to the starting point has never been the goal.
It requires the additional transformation of the consciousness of our body cells with all his enclosed inertia, desires, addictions and fears. Otherwise all external actions will only be a repetition of the previous ones and will not take us one step further.
There is nothing which our polished intellect could not imagine and express in words. Well then? I have studied extensive spiritual literature for over twenty years. As a teacher you are trained in reading and text comprehension. But when I was thrown into practice the words were filled with real understanding. Only when the body goes through its first experiences and responds in an absolutely fascinating way you really begin to understand. He remembers. That is the point when you begin to comprehend the world "through him“, deeper and more truthfully than the intellect ever could. You penetrate into a being where the mind cannot follow. It is as if you had crawled only on the thin, scratchy surface of things. And now you enter into the floating below the surface of things, you stand up tall inside, you expand, you understand from within, you become.
That is why I am very grateful to Satprem for his records of the agenda and the many books he has written about the transformation, including his own.
Someone told me that he was still`persona non grata´ in Sri Aurobindo Ashram. After escaping a murder he brought his records of Mother out of the country to make the Agenda in their authentic form available to the public. I don't know whether the both incidences are related but I think Satprem will have had reasons to act like this.
Basically that’s my opinion: Whoever has understood Sri Aurobindo's yoga, the meaning of his incarnation and the great sacrifice that he and Mother made for us will not accept the concept of a 'persona non grata' as it pretends that one "stands above" this person. Such an attitude tells us more about the detractors than the person being criticised. This reminds me of a statement I recently heard from the mouth of one of our well-known, selfmade "spiritual teachers": "What if people like us would disappear from the planet? It would be hell, right?"
The spiritual ego with its tendency to think itself proudly separate is very tricky and hard to overcome.
It is not a question of who "preaches" better, for that is easy. It also is not about adoring a Buddha or Jesus Christ or whomever we glorify. Even if it remains hidden from the eyes of mankind: It is about the most powerful action on earth which cannot done by yourself. And least by your mind.
Mother expressed it clearly: „It’s laziness ... Out of laziness they adore. One must become."
It is the same about the written works of Sri Aurobindo: You can look at them from all kinds of view, put them in another political, social, anthropological or any other "-cial" context, compare it to other philosophers, write an x-th summary about, discuss it to death, but at some point you have to stop it because "talking about" belongs to the old world. I did it by myself – for a while.
To take the path which Sri Aurobindo and Mother illuminated is something essentially different. To do it is the only thing Sri Aurobindo was interested in. Meanwhile I understand it in its full depth by experiencing it in the body.
As ever challenging this way may be, I am absolutely grateful that I am guided through it.
There is still a lot of skepticism toward the process of transformation. It is much less discussed than the philosophies of Sri Aurobindo. As always, Cui bono?
These pages are just a small contribution to help things improve. Supramental Transformation has begun, it is irrefutable fact, with or without our permission.
At this point a striking comment by Mother: "Whoever will get involved with the hostile forces too much enthusiastic and refuses the transformation will fall back to a level similar to the animal." The ordinary mind has to abdicate. And animal beings are directly subordinate to Divine Will because they don't have a Mental t.i. an intellect like we do.
HE has decided it and resistance leads to suffering.
I believe with you, my friends, that God, if He exists, is a demon and an ogre. But after all what are you going to do about it?
This website does not want to persuade anyone. But sooner or later the Supramental Transformation will come true for each of us. We are already deeply involved.
The contents are dedicated to people who from the depth of their heart and soul are seeking a way out which has nothing to do with changing the external conditions of life. And to those who may already feel symptoms in themselves which are strange. I tried to address issues in a simple way which were essential to me without sliding into theoretical philosophical discussions. As far as this practical side is concerned I agree with Mother.
Perhaps it can be support for those who are thrown into this situation and like me have to handle it by themselves.
Part I: "Once upon a time" tries to span the period from our evolutionary beginnings up to the future as a Supramental Being: where we come from, what we really are and where the journey goes.
Part II: "Questions and Answers" is focused on the everyday life and provides room for questions that can arise in this process. Some questions will be intuitively set, others can be introduced by readers.
All things seem hard to man that are above his attained level and they are hard to his unaided effort; but they become at once easy and simple when God in man takes up the contract.
Room for sharing your own experiences, comments and questions